Nationwide High School Standardized Tests Abolished: New Criterion Is 'Synchronized Bento Box Opening at Noon'

Nationwide High School Standardized Tests Abolished: New Criterion Is 'Synchronized Bento Box Opening at Noon'

The Ministry of Education has announced its final education reform plan. Starting next fiscal year, all high school students will be evaluated on 'how precisely they can open their bento boxes at the exact moment of the noon chime, down to the millisecond.' The synchronization rate of the unified 'click' sound will become the new standardized score, and some elite prep schools have already adopted it as an entrance exam subject.

Translations: JA
Social Lab
New Fossil Species Debuts as Ingredient Before Specimen — Hometown Tax Returns Beat Academic Papers

New Fossil Species Debuts as Ingredient Before Specimen — Hometown Tax Returns Beat Academic Papers

The pot boiled before the fossil was classified. A new species' bones discovered in a depopulated town became the logo for 'Ancient Umami Hot Pot' before any academic announcement, and fossil-shaped croquettes piled up in the shopping district. When the research team requested specimens, the town office apologized: 'Sorry, they sold out as first-come-first-served gifts for hometown tax donations.' The paper's figures are now expected to feature photos from an online shopping site.

Translations: JA
Daily Surprise
"Feels Like Bench Pressing with My Lungs" - Top Idol Reveals His Incredible Physique Is the Result of 'Nicotine Breathing Method'

"Feels Like Bench Pressing with My Lungs" - Top Idol Reveals His Incredible Physique Is the Result of 'Nicotine Breathing Method'

Idol Kin Ensouin, celebrating his 11th anniversary since debut, has made a shocking confession. His steel-like physique is reportedly achieved through his unique 'Lung Capacity Squats,' performed in a gym with all ventilation fans turned off and filled with cigarette smoke. His agency commented, 'There is zero health impact. In fact, it sharpens the mind.'

Translations: JA
Culture Kaleidoscope
Aurora Identified as Cause of "Productivity Decline" Due to Excessive Beauty. Government to Mandate Blackout Curtains Over Night Sky

Aurora Identified as Cause of "Productivity Decline" Due to Excessive Beauty. Government to Mandate Blackout Curtains Over Night Sky

Reports flood in nationwide claiming "Aurora too magnificent, can't help but forget work," becoming a social problem. Government expert committee determines "aesthetic-induced distraction" severely undermines national productivity. As countermeasure, submits bill mandating installation of massive blackout curtains covering entire night sky for all municipalities. In response to protests from astronomical society, official replied "Economic indicators shine brighter than stars."

Translations: JA
Social Lab
Supernova Causes Hawaii Flight Cancellations, Airline Offers 'Wormhole Boarding Pass' as Compensation

Supernova Causes Hawaii Flight Cancellations, Airline Offers 'Wormhole Boarding Pass' as Compensation

Milky Way Airlines (MWA) announced the cancellation of all Hawaii-bound flights, citing a supernova explosion millions of light-years away. The airline explained that 'spacetime distortions could cause unacceptable wobbling in the in-flight meal jelly.' Passengers seeking alternative flights are being offered 'one-way tickets via wormhole' along with 'cosmic ray exposure liability waivers.'

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
"One Step Could Be Fatal" Prefecture's Anti-Fraud Musical Meant to Combat Escalator Walking and Scams Becomes Record Hit After Youth Interpret It as Forbidden Love Story

"One Step Could Be Fatal" Prefecture's Anti-Fraud Musical Meant to Combat Escalator Walking and Scams Becomes Record Hit After Youth Interpret It as Forbidden Love Story

A prefecture-funded musical designed to warn against special fraud and escalator walking has inexplicably become a social phenomenon. The bureaucratic slogan "Don't trust the person on the phone, don't walk on escalators" was misinterpreted as a tragic love duet between the two leads, causing tickets to sell out instantly. The climactic "Tax Refund Tango" has gone viral as a TikTok dance challenge.

Translations: JA
Showbiz Pavilion
"Pigeon Ash Removes Stains Best" - Government Launches "Miracle Stain Remover" Made from Spontaneously Combusting Animals

"Pigeon Ash Removes Stains Best" - Government Launches "Miracle Stain Remover" Made from Spontaneously Combusting Animals

An unexpected byproduct of new energy policy has captured the hearts of homemakers. The powder made from the ashes of animals that suddenly burst into flames on city streets reportedly removes even the most stubborn stains instantly. Environmental groups decry the lack of ethics, but the Consumer Affairs Agency hotline is flooded with requests like "I want to try crow ash next."

Translations: JA
Otherworld Pocket