'Absolutely Dry Shield' Released, Side Effect: 'Drowns Your Neighbor.' Developer Responds: 'It's a Feature'

'Absolutely Dry Shield' Released, Side Effect: 'Drowns Your Neighbor.' Developer Responds: 'It's a Feature'

The cutting-edge gadget 'Aqua-Zero' blocks every single raindrop. A man using it at a stadium stayed perfectly dry, but a three-meter water column formed over his neighbor's seat. The neighbor couldn't watch the game without a flotation device. The developer issued a statement: 'This is the result of pursuing ultimate shield performance and is a feature. It represents a new form of communication with neighbors.'

Translations: JA
Muscle Arena
Town Loses Lawsuit Over 'World Cup Victory Parade Rights' as Hometown Tax Return Gift; Court Orders 'Judge Toss-Up Participation Tickets' as Substitute

Town Loses Lawsuit Over 'World Cup Victory Parade Rights' as Hometown Tax Return Gift; Court Orders 'Judge Toss-Up Participation Tickets' as Substitute

A town that offered World Cup victory parade rights as a hometown tax return gift has lost its case. The presiding judge, rejecting the town's claim of providing a 'dream subscription service,' ordered that 'Judge Toss-Up Participation Tickets' be issued to all donors, stating 'Reality over dreams.' Note: Toss-ups are only available during lunch breaks on weekdays in the courthouse courtyard.

Translations: JA
Money Maze
Seized 300-Yen Fan Discovered Capable of Forcing Entire Cabinet to Resign at Maximum Power

Seized 300-Yen Fan Discovered Capable of Forcing Entire Cabinet to Resign at Maximum Power

A bargain fan that went viral on e-commerce sites has been confiscated as a "weather weapon" threatening national security. Authorities confirmed its ability to generate localized cyclones at maximum power and rapidly lower atmospheric pressure around the National Diet Building. "Critical legislation could literally blow away," the Chief Cabinet Secretary warned.

Translations: JA
Daily Surprise
"Pain Points" System Launched at Major Supermarkets: Get 10% Off with a Quick Prick at Checkout

"Pain Points" System Launched at Major Supermarkets: Get 10% Off with a Quick Prick at Checkout

In response to worsening inflation, a major supermarket chain has launched a new service called "Pain Plus." At checkout, when a clerk lightly pricks your arm with a special device, you receive a 10% discount on all items. Customers are rolling up their sleeves saying "Better than vegetable price hikes," while staff are already adapting to a system where their hourly wage fluctuates based on their "pricking skills."

Translations: JA
Culture Kaleidoscope
"Oldest RNA" Coupe Recognized by UN as "Common Ancestor of Humanity"; Paleozoic Driver's License Now Required

"Oldest RNA" Coupe Recognized by UN as "Common Ancestor of Humanity"; Paleozoic Driver's License Now Required

The oldest RNA discovered in a legendary coupe sparked an international dispute over ownership that reached an unexpected resolution. The UN has recognized the vehicle as the "Common Ancestor of Humanity" and designated it as a specially protected cultural heritage. A PhD in paleontology is now required for oil changes, and the first official statement translated from its engine sounds was "Fill it up with premium, please."

Translations: JA
Social Lab
Super-Insulated City Bans Chimneys, Certifies Wall-Stuck Santas as "Bio-Insulation" to Cut Rescue Costs

Super-Insulated City Bans Chimneys, Certifies Wall-Stuck Santas as "Bio-Insulation" to Cut Rescue Costs

In a model city touting ultimate energy efficiency where "chimneys" have been completely abolished, Santas attempting Christmas deliveries tried to squeeze through 10cm-diameter "high-efficiency ventilation ducts," resulting in dozens getting stuck inside walls. After weighing rescue costs against environmental performance, city authorities specially registered the stuck Santas as "high-performance filler" under building codes. Resident complaints about "groaning sounds from the walls" are being explained away as "a smart speaker bug that will be updated immediately."

Translations: JA
Social Lab
Government Introduces AI That Converts Meetings to Buzzwords Only — Contents Evaporate While Remaining State Secrets

Government Introduces AI That Converts Meetings to Buzzwords Only — Contents Evaporate While Remaining State Secrets

As a counter-espionage measure, the government has implemented a 'Buzzword Security Patch' that automatically replaces all statements with the latest trendy words and corporate jargon across all conference rooms. After implementation, chambers now echo only with phrases like 'That's some intense synergy' and 'Seriously agenda vibes,' with no one able to utter any specific nouns. The official in charge proudly declared, 'The protection of classified information is complete. After all, no one understands the content anyway.'

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
Railway Company Sues Accident Photos as 'Piracy': 'Derailment Was Premium Members-Only Performance Art'

Railway Company Sues Accident Photos as 'Piracy': 'Derailment Was Premium Members-Only Performance Art'

Great Imperial Capital Railway filed a lawsuit on the 22nd against three passersby who posted photos of a derailment accident on social media, charging them with 'digital shoplifting' and 'copyright infringement.' The company claims 'the angle at which the cars piled up was meticulously calculated modern art (kinetic sculpture)' and plans to retroactively charge witness fees and photography licensing fees. They argue that even the arrival of rescue teams was 'staged for an emotional finale,' and that unauthorized posts constituted spoilers that damaged future attendance opportunities.

Translations: JA
Money Maze
"God Not Responding": Shrine with Fully Digital Offerings Has Sacred Object Encrypted by Ransomware

"God Not Responding": Shrine with Fully Digital Offerings Has Sacred Object Encrypted by Ransomware

Offering thieves were eradicated, but hackers invaded instead. Tsukubamine Cyber Shrine has fallen into crisis after its main hall server was hijacked and the sacred object data was digitally "sealed." The head priest desperately claps his hands in prayer toward the ransom demand screen, while due to a firewall misconfiguration, the offering box keeps returning "404 Wish Not Found" to worshippers' wishes.

Translations: JA
Culture Kaleidoscope
Auteur Director Demands 'Reshoot' of Spaceship Crash Site, Furious That Debris 'Lacks Narrative Quality'

Auteur Director Demands 'Reshoot' of Spaceship Crash Site, Furious That Debris 'Lacks Narrative Quality'

A legendary film director, appointed by the government to chair the investigation into a spaceship crash, was seen wielding a megaphone at the site, shouting 'This wreckage isn't emotional enough!' It has been revealed that he prioritized 'visual appeal as an opening scene' over determining the cause, and instructed the investigation team to submit the accident report in screenplay format.

Translations: JA
Showbiz Pavilion